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I can see clearly now (a positive blog, I think.....)


Chris

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I’ve been trying to draft my thoughts for some time now, it’s not been coming so freely and, I have found that my depression/anxiety had taken a deep hold of me. I share these, not because I want sympathy but because I can reflect on things.

I can also appreciate the support it sometimes gets too; this isn’t about attention but because it’s helpful to feel understood.

The past 3 to 4 years, it’s been me trying to keep things a bit more locked up.

With the lockdown effecting many mentally, I realised that my behaviour despite my best efforts was never going to be beaten.

2019, I spent trying to reduce my weight as I wanted to ease my mobility and, attempt to enjoy it better – without tipping my health in the wrong way. It’s odd, as strangers would refer to me as “big man” etc, I never felt big, but accepting that I had put on weight has helped.

It’s weird, as I walk a lot despite the struggle at certain times but I haven’t felt the benefits of it.

Roll on 2020, my Wife pushed towards buying a new bike and, since I found my previous one extremely difficult to peddle – I thought it was more me, rather than the bike itself.

It’s helped me in more ways than one, getting out of the house and, enjoying rides with my children has been a nice bonding experience.

Even if Jake [my son] takes a lot of convincing, he usually ends up enjoying it and, during lockdown it helped just to give us something to do.

With winter, it’s going to be a bit more difficult to have regular bike rides but I aim to have one when possible.

We’ve just managed to beat the 2nd lockdown caused by the worldwide pandemic COVID-19, I can honestly say, I spent two weeks embracing a real grasp of what has been clouding my mind. Many of the worries I felt, since have been pushed out of sight and, I feel genuinely a lot happier.

Looking at the family snaps, I notice the difference within myself and, I feel my friends will too.

Depression is never easy but, I’ve been talking about it a little more since returning home and, it’s nice to feel that corner now becoming a straight road.

I’m more determined than ever to keep the inner peace I have found at the top, whilst being kinder to myself.

I don’t expect everyone to understand, yet I do hope that those few people I have effectively pushed away can realise that it wasn’t done due to malice – more a lack of coping.

I also know, I might not have been that easy to be around from time to time but, this is all on me – I don’t find talking face to face to be easy.

Those that have taken something I’ve said or written the wrong way, effectively ignoring me – life moves on.

I’m not going to dwell on what I can’t change, as I feel these issues tend to border manic depression and, I know I have a good grip – I fail to deal with everything that life throws my way. Some people can cope, others have a supportive network, but I bury my head in projects.

It’s perhaps not the healthiest thing, but to say I’m not grateful would be a massive understatement.

First time in a while, I’m not dreading the 2nd lockdown – I will keep to myself, but I do want to start pushing myself to be more talkative slowly.

It’s not an ignorance at all, and I stick to what I feel comfortable with and, I realise now it’s just effectively limiting the circle in which my life has been heading.

One of my favourite’s songs growing up was about being able to see clearly – it’s perhaps a bit corny, maybe a cliché to say it but I do feel like it’s true. I only realised as a teen that it was about depression in the first place, it always seemed quite a peaceful song.

 

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