I have intended to keep this blog updated, although it has fallen wayward - much like a lot of things have.
Personally, I can't blame COVID or the lockdown. As I made a promise to myself last time, I felt in this position that I would own my actions, and attempt to move past them. Returning to Meadow Lane has been overwhelming, both in a good and an awkward way. I haven't really enjoyed how busy it has seemed, bar the Tuesday night game against Wealdstone which felt more like I know. At the last home game, on the way out - I felt closed, and I feared I would have a panic attack.
On the opposite hand, I have realised just how much support and care I have - from people who I have got to know.
When I think back about my personal journey, I feel like I have somewhat lost my way, and although I try to address this at the start of every season. It becomes much like a New Year's resolution. Well, something I try to uphold but ultimately fail to achieve.
Before I attend games, I try to remind myself that talking does help, and I realise this. The first few matches I stuck to myself, I didn't communicate much at all - simply because I wanted to slowly integrate myself back into the community at Notts after such a difficult year we have all had.
I write none of this for sympathy, I won't be sharing the blog directly at all - but it will be there for people who know me.
It's something I also feel I can reflect on, as I pick up emotions rather easily and in the right environment I can identify what I need to do in order to help myself.
Being able to attend Meadow Lane, seeing Notts and exchanging conversations has been something I have missed. I like looking around, seeing fans enjoy themselves and something I have noted is just how much people I know have changed or grown up.
This season seems to be delivering a very good standard of optimistic, something we should all try to embrace, but I have challenged myself to focus on making whatever difference I can possibly do.
I care very much about Notts County. My connection to the club, developed first by my grandfather - is something I want to hand down to my family. If I can, I would like to have a positive impact on others. My aim is to pay back to people who have enabled me to move forward, whilst identifying fans who deserve a form of kindness - which I will do by handing out prints.
As I try to re-find my mojo, I will be trying my best to keep on the right path.
I realise this isn't much of a blog, but for those who read will see my thoughts etc.