My Mate's daughter and Son in law took him to a Garden Centre the other week he was looking around when he was approached by a youth who worked there.

Can I help you Sir?

Yes replied my Mate I'd like to buy a Garden.

We don't sell Gardens Sir only things that go in a Garden.

Oh in that case, I'd like to buy a Path said my Mate.

Edited April 21, 20241 yr by Wheelbarrow repair man

 

 

 

 

 

This young lady goes to a Tattooists  and tells him My soon to be husband is really into Tattoos and as a surprise on our wedding night I want a Tattoo to show him.

Ok says the Tattooist What were you thinking of doing?

I'd like you to tattoo a little Butterfly on each of my Bum Cheeks.

Sorry says the Tattooist I can't Tattoo Butterflies there the worst thing to Tattoo. I can do a you a Bee I'm World Famous for me Bees.

Well I really wanted Butterflies, but if you can't do them I'll have a Bee on each cheek. So she has a Bee Tattooed on each cheek of her Bum.

Anyway on her Wedding Night she comes out of the bathroom, turns her back on her husband, lifts the her nightie bends over and says Well What Do You Think?

Her new husband looks and says Who The Hell's BOB ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I rang up the Spiritual  leader of Tibet and a fortnight later a goat with a long neck arrived for me. Apparently I'd called  Dial a Lamar.

Have you ever heard of Spoonerisms? That 's when you take  the first letter of somebody's name and change it with the First letter of their last name. Like Nottingham's famous son Robin Hood, becomes Hobin Rood, Little John becomes Jittle Lohn and Will Scarlet is Sill Wcarlet, mind you  you'll have to be careful with Friar Tuck.

I saw a small ad in the local paper it said Ugly Fat Bloke Seeks Super Model with a Sense of Humour.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I used to race Pigeons. But got fed up of always being beaten.

I was saw this bloke on the rifle range at a Fun Fair.  His first shot took the head of a Teddy Bear his second shot smashed a load of plates .

Ok said the Stall owner Put the Gun down and you can have any prize in booth.

The guy looks at the Stall owner and says I'll have one of those Moving Tin Ducks.

I'm not saying my Wife's a bad cook. But Flies don't buzz around our Dust Bin. They lean on it and Moan.