I went into a record shop and asked the assistant, What have you got by the Doors? He replied a bucket of Sand and a Fire Blanket.

I sat in a restaurant  with the wife and the waiter brings in some tiramisu and a blindfolded horse. I said No Mascarpone.

So I was steering the boat with my stomach muscles, Ab Sailing.

I was stood with my mate at his wife's grave. She doesn't know that, she thinks it's going to be a garden pond.

 

 

 

 

As a treat I took the wife to one of those TV Chef's restaurants the prices were crazy, for a three course meal you'd need a bank loan. So in the  end we had the cheapest thing on the menu boneless chicken price, £45.99 per portion, the  waiter brought two Fried Eggs.

You know when you're at the Airport don't customs ask some daft questions? As anybody you don't know put anything in your bags? I don't know anybody I don't know. As a stranger ever given you anything? I once went to Amsterdam on a Stag Weekend.

I over heard the wife talking to a neighbour the other day, she said I didn't surprise her like I used too when we were younger. So I took her out for Tea and Biscuits it was the first time she'd been a blood donor.

I remember when I proposed to the wife she said yes, but then stated that ever since she was a little girl she always wanted to get married in a Castle. I said Sweetheart if you want to get married in a Castle, we'll get married in a Castle. And we did and I can still remember the look on her face as we bounced up and down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me and couple of mates were walking through our local park the other day, and there was this old guy sitting on a bench sobbing his heart out. What's up fella ? asked my mate It's terrible just terrible replies the old guy. What is ? asked my other mate. I'm 75 years old and I've married a 25 year old ex-pole dancer, she's a wonderful cook keeps the house spotless and makes love to me 3 times a day. Once when we wake up, once in the afternoon and once again before we go to sleep. Blimey I said what's terrible about that?  I asked. I can't remember where I live said the old guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember the time I took the wife to Blackpool I hired one of those horse and carriages. We set off along the seas front a blanket across our knees, the wife had her head on my shoulder and we were enjoying going through the lights along the Golden Mile, when suddenly the horse Farts oh a real rip snorter it was really embarrassing. I said I 'm sorry about that, with out missing a beat the wife says Oh I thought it was the Horse.