I once went fly fishing and caught a 7 pound Bluebottle.

Me and the wife were staying at a nice hotel, we went down for breakfast first morning, there was a sign which said Breakfast 7am until 11 am. I'll tell you by 9 O'clock I couldn't eat another thing.

I remember for our last anniversary I took the wife out No Expensive Spared. I even booked a table, which was a waste of time, she only potted three balls all night.

What about that woman at the Diving World Championships, she's on the the diving board and she's got a fresh water fish under one arm. She dives off does a triple back somersault with Pike.

 

 

 

 

A couple of women came to my door yesterday, they said they wanted to talk about bread. White, brown, granary, they just wouldn't shut up.

They were the Hovis witnesses!

 

1 hour ago, Robbie said:

 

Many a true word is spoken in jest @Robbie 

I don't like the word Wife, so I always introduce her as my ex-girlfriend which is  pretty much the same thing really.

My Wife  knows everything about wine, like which wine goes with which Breakfast Cereal

My Wife is a foot shorter than me, she doesn't even know I'm bald.

I met my Wife on Jury Duty, that's how she got off.

 

 

 

 

I got stopped by the Law. Been drinking have we Sir? Asked the Copper . I've had a couple , don't know about you officer.

Got pulled over again the Policeman asked have you been drinking? Yes I replied 9 pints of Lager, 3 double whiskies and a Spiced Rum. Would you mind blowing into this  bag Sir? Why ? I asked Don't you Believe Me?

Me and a couple of mates staggered out of the Pub, in the car park a bloke had his head under the bonnet of his car. Wassa Marra? I asked. Piston Broke. Said the guy So am I mate so am I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mate Des had a hip replacement and asked his surgeon could he have the bone for his Dog.

I must Remember when the Wife says she wants treating,  for her birthday it doesn't mean with a coat of Cupronol. Wood stain.

So I was having my eyes tested and the guy asked, when were your eyes last checked ? Never I said they've always been Blue.

If you want laugh when you go to get your eyes tested and the optician comes in really close and asks What can you see ? Say I can see dead people. Scares the Living Daylights out of them.