This blog is personal, as a result, it's not your typical read on Notts County, and I thought that I should warn potential readers before.

It's not designed to be or written to be appreciated, understood or to attract comments. It's more a personal approach to how the individual feels if any reads are struggling with depression, anxiety or illness - please do reach out.

Support will be out there, so give yourself a little care.

I keep meaning to try to find myself, but my head and life, to an extent, provides setbacks. I don’t want this to seem like a sob story, expressing myself through writing has been quite an eye-opener as I can take in how I feel.

It’s a slow progressive part of life I guess and, in my nature, I problem stress a little too easily about things which others might be able to dismiss quickly.

The biggest sense of finding inner peace comes from working or at times when I am away with my family.

I quite like finding a quiet area to reflect on things, especially as the world passes me by.

I’m not afraid to open up about my feelings, yet it isn’t the easiest thing to do – I know and, can understand why some would allow it to build inside. I used to do this, and it isn’t constructive.

The thing about depression is that it takes over your mind, I wished I could be more strong-willed, but it’s not easy.

I spent many years putting on a brave face, and I used to think I hide it quite well – yet at times now I think it’s more obvious.

2019, for personal reasons, I wanted it to be different. I ended up falling into the usual trap – it’s a never-ending circle which goes around.

2020 for me is the year I want to push myself, yet I keep thinking about how I could have supported those I consider close better. My illness tends to take its toll, it’s not just depression, and since learning about it – I would say I have a level of understanding on how to manage it.

Coping is a different issue, especially when I am tired.

Until recent years, I haven’t felt as sorry for those with back injuries – as pain in this department is a lot worse than feeling it in your knees or hands.

I can’t wait for warmer weather, as I have genuinely struggled with the harsh cold that has been here for what feels like forever now. I often joked about “winter is coming”, a quote from the Game of Thrones (I’m sure I didn’t have to explain that) – yet I would rather face White Walkers than to feel how I do some days.

The past few weeks, I have been trying to catch up with my to-do-list, and I have to say I feel bad about not being able to get @ARLukomski thumbnails on time.

I put a lot of pride in them and, helping people I can. I know he understands too, yet it’s still a disappointment to me.

I know I tend towards being harsh on myself, yet I should be able to be more productive when I can – I mean it’s not like I sit back and deliberately forget, but at the same time, it frustrates me because I’m not used to it.

The bottom line is, I need to work harder on managing my health. It’s something I have previously enjoyed and, those that know me well enough – will be pleased to know I have spent more time having me time.

That said, it still feels strange, and I want to use social media a bit more – yet I never seem to put it as a priority. It doesn’t remotely bother me if nobody responds, it’s just nice to interact when it is possible.

DM’s are always open, I try to reply to those as quickly as I can, but I suppose I need time.

I do want to re-find my middle ground, improve my health and be a better person. The latter part makes it sound like I’m not a good person, I don’t mean it like that – I know I care about things.
There’s also a difference between needing to say something and, wanting to sat it – I could so easily ignore how I feel but I won’t.