The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

As you say, It's the way you tell them. Very funny. Thanks Tony

Very funny tony! We should open up a comedy section, you can be the star!   Get you on here all day telling jokes

Very funny tony! We should open up a comedy section, you can be the star!   Get you on here all day telling jokes

I'm down for this, I have no problems doing a solo act or joint with Jake.

Funny Tony, Slowly getting round to what I've missed but this put a smile on my face.

Try and improve Jake's jokes and you'll all have a comedy night on here lol

I forgot to ask Jake if he had any new jokes for me today. We were still well entertained by all the kids though.(very quiet now)

I forgot to ask Jake if he had any new jokes for me today. We were still well entertained by all the kids though.(very quiet now)

 

I always think I've gone deaf when our grandchildren go home.

I know what you mean ,Tony. They were all very well behaved today, though Ava was tired but wouldn't have a sleep. I think she was frightened of missing something.

 

When I collected Jake from school, he proudly ran up to me and told me he 'd been given a badge 'for not behaving'. I said to him 'don't you mean for not MISbehaving' He replied 'That's what I meant Grandad-it's for my MISbehavior'-Bless him,he's a lovely lad. All my grandkids are precious..(It is quiet when they've gone)

Lol, It was funny when you told me.. even then he was still saying it the wrong way around. They are all good even though they all have their moments like all kids. Its very quiet here on fridays and when they back its like hell let loose

The things the kids say are very funny. Jake used to ask for a blanana but Harry asks for a bonanna.They all ask for mulk, not milk.

There's lots of things but I can't think of any more t the moment.

Yeah they all still say Mulk so matter how much you tell them the correct way. I remember i got told i always used to ask for "bill-bake" instead of milk shake

 

I like it when Ellie asks for Zizanya(lasagne) and Jake asks for Pasketi bolinese (spagetti bolinese)