Jump to content

Personal Entry: January 15th, 2020.




This blog is personal, as a result, it's not your typical read on Notts County, and I thought that I should warn potential readers before.

It's not designed to be or written to be appreciated, understood or to attract comments. It's more a personal approach to how the individual feels if any reads are struggling with depression, anxiety or illness - please do reach out.

Support will be out there, so give yourself a little care.

I keep meaning to try to find myself, but my head and life, to an extent, provides setbacks. I don’t want this to seem like a sob story, expressing myself through writing has been quite an eye-opener as I can take in how I feel.

It’s a slow progressive part of life I guess and, in my nature, I problem stress a little too easily about things which others might be able to dismiss quickly.

The biggest sense of finding inner peace comes from working or at times when I am away with my family.

I quite like finding a quiet area to reflect on things, especially as the world passes me by.

I’m not afraid to open up about my feelings, yet it isn’t the easiest thing to do – I know and, can understand why some would allow it to build inside. I used to do this, and it isn’t constructive.

The thing about depression is that it takes over your mind, I wished I could be more strong-willed, but it’s not easy.

I spent many years putting on a brave face, and I used to think I hide it quite well – yet at times now I think it’s more obvious.

2019, for personal reasons, I wanted it to be different. I ended up falling into the usual trap – it’s a never-ending circle which goes around.

2020 for me is the year I want to push myself, yet I keep thinking about how I could have supported those I consider close better. My illness tends to take its toll, it’s not just depression, and since learning about it – I would say I have a level of understanding on how to manage it.

Coping is a different issue, especially when I am tired.

Until recent years, I haven’t felt as sorry for those with back injuries – as pain in this department is a lot worse than feeling it in your knees or hands.

I can’t wait for warmer weather, as I have genuinely struggled with the harsh cold that has been here for what feels like forever now. I often joked about “winter is coming”, a quote from the Game of Thrones (I’m sure I didn’t have to explain that) – yet I would rather face White Walkers than to feel how I do some days.

The past few weeks, I have been trying to catch up with my to-do-list, and I have to say I feel bad about not being able to get @ARLukomski thumbnails on time.

I put a lot of pride in them and, helping people I can. I know he understands too, yet it’s still a disappointment to me.

I know I tend towards being harsh on myself, yet I should be able to be more productive when I can – I mean it’s not like I sit back and deliberately forget, but at the same time, it frustrates me because I’m not used to it.

The bottom line is, I need to work harder on managing my health. It’s something I have previously enjoyed and, those that know me well enough – will be pleased to know I have spent more time having me time.

That said, it still feels strange, and I want to use social media a bit more – yet I never seem to put it as a priority. It doesn’t remotely bother me if nobody responds, it’s just nice to interact when it is possible.

DM’s are always open, I try to reply to those as quickly as I can, but I suppose I need time.

I do want to re-find my middle ground, improve my health and be a better person. The latter part makes it sound like I’m not a good person, I don’t mean it like that – I know I care about things.
There’s also a difference between needing to say something and, wanting to sat it – I could so easily ignore how I feel but I won’t.

  • Like 3
  • Love 1


Recommended Comments

You seem like a great bloke Chris, don't go chasing happiness let it find you.

Depression must be difficult, keep yourself busy and around genuine people. That will make a good difference.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

About PON

Pride of Nottingham

Pride of Nottingham is an independent fansite devoted to Notts County, the world’s oldest professional football club. Created in 2013, it has served as a source of Magpie news, features, match previews, reports, analysis and interviews for more than three years.

Support PON

Enjoy our content? Want to help us grow? Your donation will go a long way towards improving the site!


Meet the Team

Chris Chris Administrators
ARLukomski ARLukomski Administrators
super_ram super_ram Global Moderators
DangerousSausage DangerousSausage Global Moderators
Super_Danny_Allsopp Super_Danny_Allsopp Global Moderators

Social Media

  • Create New...

Important Information

Pride of Nottingham uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. To approve, simply continue using the site or click 'I accept' Terms of Use.