o/t Jesus wakes up after a 3-day wine binge

Self proclaimed king of the Jews, Jesus of Nazareth, has today woken up hungover and forgetful in a cave in the Garden of Joseph of Arimathea after an alleged three day wine binge.

The former child star is said to have been drinking heavily with friends in Jerusalem since Thursday night, Tarquin caught up with him earlier, “I was so hungover when I woke up this morning, I felt like I’d died and I didn’t have a sodding clue where I was.”

“I went out for supper with the lads on Thursday night and the le-vino was flow-ing,” claimed the supposed son of god. “We ended up going back to Peter’s house and getting proper on it for three days. I’m pretty sure I left to go home last night but I obviously saw the cave in Joseph’s garden and jumped in there for a quick bit of kip.”

“It’s all a bit of a blur to be honest,” he continued, “but it must have been a wild one, my hands and feet are in bits and I woke up with a massive cut on my ribs and no idea how it got there.”

“As the King of the Jews I have a certain reputation to keep up and if people find out I’ve been on the sauce all weekend there’ll be uproar,” he said apprehensively. “so I’m going to need a really good excuse.”

“Luckily enough Jews these days are gullible. I swear half of them are still living in the B.C., sure I’m not even the son of god, I’m a thirty three year old out of work carpenter from Galilee but they believe anything you tell them, like I can turn water into wine,” he claimed. “I’ll probably just say something like I died and rose from the dead. There hasn’t been a good miracle in ages anyway so it should be fine.”

“I’ll write it all in my blog tonight and and see if they go for it,” he offhandedly continued, “if not I’ll just say I was out fasting in the desert, that always works.”

“None of this would have happened if that prick Judas Iscariot had saved that last bag of coke he had for me, it would have kept me sober” claimed Jesus. “But he went and sold it to some Roman for thirty pieces of silver. I’m going to make something up about him and put it in my blog too, lets see how he likes that.”