Wheelbarrow repair man

I remember back when I was at school, our Drama Group did our version of Treasure Island. There was me and another kid Malcom up for the part of Long John Silver. Thankfully Malc got the part. First day of rehearsal I noticed he wasn't there. So I said to the Drama Teacher Sir, where's Malcom? Oh he's in Hospital, having his left leg Amputated.

When I was younger my Mum used to say There's always one weirdo on every bus But I could never find him. If the Actress Whoopi Goldberg married Master of Horror Peter Cushing. She be known as Whoopi Cushing. And if Claudia Schiffer married Brains from Thunderbirds. She be known as Claudia Schiffer Brains. Do you remember that Fox puppet on the tele Basil Brush. Did you know he had a German cousin Herr Brush ?

Once again things in the Premier League just get Dafter. Manchester United are going to offer 19 year old Kobbie Mainoo a new contract, which will quadruple his current weekly wage. This Obscene amount of money proves how much the Prem is out of Touch with the Real Footballing World. Can you Imagine the Amount of Pressure that's going to be placed on this Young Man's shoulders? He's going to have to perform at the top of his game, each and every game and the Media are going to have a field day, if he doesn't . Because one thing the Main Stream Media like other than building up a Player is Knocking him back down again. Let's hope there's someone's around to keep his feet firmly on the ground, because all that money is going to have one hell of an impact on his young life. Having so much cash and not knowing what to do with it all, is a certain way to lead him down the wrong path. And you'd think by now United would have some idea about giving a youngster that much money, how it can very easily ruin the Kids Life. Just remember a certain George Best. Good Luck Kobbie You're Gonna Need It.

If you have children I bet this question as come up. My son came home from school and asked Dad where do I come from? Er well um and you go through THE TALK and explain everything and say Do you understand all that I've told you? And with a Puzzled look on his face he said Yes I think so. Only there's a New Boy in our class who comes from Cornwall and I just wondered where I came from.

I remember the time my Dad had a large throbbing boil on the end of his nose. Poor guy couldn't sleep because of the pain. Mum couldn't sleep because she was laughing. Anyway in the end Mum called the Doctor in. The Doctor arrived and took one look at Dad and from his Doctor's bag, produced a needle, a Great Big Steel Needle. He ushered all the family out of the Bedroom and we all stood on the landing Listening. You could hear poor old Dad hollering and screaming in pain, for a good ten minutes finally everything went quiet. We all waited then the Doctor came out of the Bedroom. How is he Doctor? asked Mum His nose looks a lot better now replied the Doc I've sown a Button on it.

While out Paint balling, I started to move from my position, my mate called out Duvet Duvet What? I asked. I think he means Duck Down said my other Mate. The wife and me were watching that Dutch Detective series on Tele the other night. Van Der Valk? asked my Mate Nah. Clever Clogs. So I went into the local D.I.Y Shop and bought a big hinge. I took it to the checkout and the women asked Do you want a Screw for that? Lady I said I'm a Married Man.

I have a Step Ladder. My real Ladder Left when I was Three. This little lad was on a school trip visiting some stables, when he saw a woman putting a feeding bag on one of the horses . You'll never do it Missus. Do what? asked the Woman. Get that Big Horse into that Little Bag. My Mate named his daughter after her Grandma. In fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.. A friend of mine went to one of those wife swapping parties, he did quite well. He Got a Toaster a Hoover a Microwave and a Set of Six Crystal Cut Drinking Glasses for her.

I don't know you think you Know Somebody then they Surprise you by doing something out of the Ordinary. Take my Wife I didn't know She Was A Heckler Boo Get Off Go On Get Off You're Rubbish That was quite up setting when We were in Bed Together.

I was telling my Mates about the time me the wife and kids were on holiday. The Wife had taken the Lads down to the sea for a paddle and I was busy building Sand Castles for when they came back. All of a Sudden there was one hell of a row this bloke and his missus started screaming at each other Anyway he slaps her the she slaps him back and they were arguing and fighting. Well somebody must have called the Local Plod, because this Copper turns up and tries to calm things down. Only for the bloke to start having ago at the Copper. You'll never guess what happened next. Both my Mates Shook Their Heads. This Crocodile Comes Along And Eats Them All.

WWW.Conjunctivitis.com There's a Site For Sore Eyes. At a local Athletics Meeting I was Chatting up a Lady Sprinter. People said I was trying to Pull a Fast One. I once found an Alphabet Grenade. I thought if this goes Off It Could Spell Disaster. I Love Fun Fair Food. Candy Floss Toffee Apples and those Boil in the Bag Gold Fish.

I went to help a mate out with his boat hiring business. What would happen each boat had a number on it and people would hire the boat for a certain length of time and when the time was up the boat number would be called in over a Mega Phone, and the boat would be returned. My mate showed me how to go on. Right when a boat been out long enough you pick up the Mega Phone and say Boat 24 come in Please Boat 24 Thankyou. He gave me the Mega Phone and after about quarter of an hour I announced Boat 99 come in Please Boat 99 Thankyou. I haven't got a Boat 99 said my Mate. Picking up the Mega Phone I asked, Boat 66 are you in trouble?

I remember one time a girlfriend and I were walking along the edge of a Farmers field, it was Harvest time so all the Hay had been stacked. I said to her Do you Fancy a Roll in the Hay? Yeah Ok she said. We dug our way into the Hay stack and things started to get passionate, she pushed me backwards when Suddenly I got an agonising pain in my left Buttock. I yelled in pain. What's the matter? she asked I told her my problem. Roll over and let me have a look she ordered. I did as she told me. Blimey how unlucky Can You Get? You've got a Big Needle Stuck In Your Bum Cheek.

Then there was this Chap who had a little Jack Russell Dog. He took that Dog with him everywhere he went. He even took the Dog Hand Gliding with him, What he'd do was have a sling tied between his ankles and tie the Dog in the Sling and off they'd Go. And as they floated around in the Sky Bird Poo would be the least of a Car Owners Worries.

A neighbour of mine who's not the sharpest Knife in the draw and me were stood talking at his Garden gate, when a Lorry load of Turf went past. I wish I was rich enough to send my Grass away to be cut, he said. How about the Red Indian Chief who died after drinking 57 cups of PG Tips. They found him lying in his own Tea Pee My Family Tree only goes back 3 Generations my Grandad was a Lumber Jack.

Robbie I said that Macca and Cedwyn should have started the Colchester game up front and see how that went. At the least Ceds should have had some game time today. Maynard is he a Glutton for Punishment? He must have known that that kind of Performance is Going To Rankle Fans, does he Enjoy getting Abuse from Fans on Social Media? You know it's going to be coming with Venom, what is up with the Bloke? After clawing back some sort of Dignity and Respect from Fans the Magpies turn in a Display like that. How many better players are going to attracted to the Club with a Dithering undecisive Head Coach in the Dug Out? Let's hope Notts can hold onto Jim O'Brien because if the Magpies don't get off to a Decent Start, next season Jim could find himself back in charge as interim Boss again.

PATHETIC CAN'T EVEN BEAT THE TEAM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE. One Striker up front Again. Seriously Maynard brings the Fans Wrath Down upon his Own Head with his choices. From an Off Season where there could have been plenty of Hope for the Club at the beginning of 2024/2025 for the Next three months there's only going to be Negative response from the Fans and Fresh Calls for Stuart Maynard's head and how much Longer is the "Model" game plan going to be played, until it's realised it doesn't work in League 2? There's going to be Massive Questions asked in this coming off Season and if they're Not Answered there is going to be an Exodus of Fans from the Lane. At Least the RAMS WON and are Promoted back to The Championship. Happy For You Super Ram at Least you have something to Celebrate Good on Yer.

There's a Couple of Brothers I know who have a Prize Bull and they hire out the Bull to service Cows all over the Country and they make thousands of Pounds at it. Anyway I met them in the Pub the other week looking a bit worried What's up Lads ? I asked. It's the Bull it's got a problem like blokes who have Brewers droop. So we've had to get the Vet in. £500 it's cost for these special pills. Well a few days later I was back in the Pub chatting to the Landlord. I asked him about the Brother's Bull. Did the Pills cure the Bulls Problem? Oh aye says the Landlord the Boys gave the Bull four tablets and that very afternoon it goes out and services 27 cows. 27 Cows I said I wonder what's in them pills? I don't know replied the Landlord But They Taste Of Peppermint.

A Premier League Referee is being investigated by Nothing. Sorry a Premier League Referee is being investigated by the FA. What three words do you Not want to hear when you make Love? Darling I'm Home. All the Children in my Friends Family are named after Saints. He's David and his two brothers are named George and Andrew. And he has a Sister Pancake Day.

If there was a vote on who would win the contest of the World's Best Religious Leader? I'd have a fiver on the Dalia Lama if I was a Tibetan Man. Then there was the Bloke who played the Piano on a Platform in a Railway Station. After he'd finished, I had a little Tinkle on it myself and saved 30p. I was once asked if I was a Considerate Lover? I replied Yes I always lift my feet up when the Wife's hoovering.

Walking round B & Q there was a big Orange sign which said Stainless Steel Sinks. I thought yeah I know it does. My Mates wife had a Bluebird tattooed on her shoulder when she was in her 20's. Now she's in her 60's It looks like a Vulture. I used to be a Human Cannon Ball in a Circus. £120 a week plus a bit of Travel Money. My youngest Son comes in the front room and says Dad there's a bloke with a Bald Head at the Door. I said Tell him I've already got one.

WARNING Never Laugh At Your Wife's Choices Remember You Were One Of Them

As this is the final Game of the season perhaps it's time to give a couple of Notts youngsters a chance of minutes on the pitch. Also start Cedwyn Scott from the off along side Macca. Hopefully Macca can score a Brace to push him past the 30 goal in a season mark. Final score Forest Green 0-3 Notts.

I used to race Pigeons. But got fed up of always being beaten. I was saw this bloke on the rifle range at a Fun Fair. His first shot took the head of a Teddy Bear his second shot smashed a load of plates . Ok said the Stall owner Put the Gun down and you can have any prize in booth. The guy looks at the Stall owner and says I'll have one of those Moving Tin Ducks. I'm not saying my Wife's a bad cook. But Flies don't buzz around our Dust Bin. They lean on it and Moan.

So I rang up the Spiritual leader of Tibet and a fortnight later a goat with a long neck arrived for me. Apparently I'd called Dial a Lamar. Have you ever heard of Spoonerisms? That 's when you take the first letter of somebody's name and change it with the First letter of their last name. Like Nottingham's famous son Robin Hood, becomes Hobin Rood, Little John becomes Jittle Lohn and Will Scarlet is Sill Wcarlet, mind you you'll have to be careful with Friar Tuck. I saw a small ad in the local paper it said Ugly Fat Bloke Seeks Super Model with a Sense of Humour.

This young lady goes to a Tattooists and tells him My soon to be husband is really into Tattoos and as a surprise on our wedding night I want a Tattoo to show him. Ok says the Tattooist What were you thinking of doing? I'd like you to tattoo a little Butterfly on each of my Bum Cheeks. Sorry says the Tattooist I can't Tattoo Butterflies there the worst thing to Tattoo. I can do a you a Bee I'm World Famous for me Bees. Well I really wanted Butterflies, but if you can't do them I'll have a Bee on each cheek. So she has a Bee Tattooed on each cheek of her Bum. Anyway on her Wedding Night she comes out of the bathroom, turns her back on her husband, lifts the her nightie bends over and says Well What Do You Think? Her new husband looks and says Who The Hell's BOB ?