Wheelbarrow repair man

Didn't he move to a Scottish Club, when he Left Notts ? Thought he did Ok at the Lane.

A chap walks into a Pet Shop and says to the Lass behind the Counter. Excuse Me but do you Sell Rabbits? Why Yes we do. Replies the Assistant. She picks up a Rabbit and Says Look at this one a Beautiful Long White Coat, Lovely Long Ears, Adorable Pink Eyes. I Don't care what it Looks like States the Chap It's For My Snake.

This Chap buys a Budgie. Can it Talk? asks his Mate. No says the Budgies Owner Well you have to encourage it. Buy it a Swing a Ladder and a Bell. Budgies like all that stuff. The Budgie's owner's Mate comes back a Couple of days later. Is the Budgie Talking? NO I forgot to say last time. Buy the Budgie a Mirror. It'll think it's Reflection is another Budgie , and it'll start talking to it. A week later the Guy returns and asks Is the Budgie Talking ? It's Dead, says the owner. But it did say one word before it died. What? FOOD.

There were these two W.R.E.N.S who had gotten a Weekend Pass, They had to be back at their Base by Midnight on the Sunday. Unfortunately they got back at a Quarter past 12. What we going to do now Trace? asked the first WREN Well we'll have to Climb the Wall and Crawl over the Barb Wire that runs along the top. So Tracey gives her mate Sharon a bunk Up Grabbing the top of the wall Sharon starts to crawl under the Barb Wire. Here Trace, I feel like a Commando. So Do I replies Tracey. But were are we going to get a Commando at this time in the Morning?

Do you remember that Talent Show on the Tele, Stars In Their Eyes ? Well my Uncle Percy went on that Programme And who are you going to be? asked Mathew Kelly Tonight Mathew, I'm going to be Glen Miller Then he went through the Smoke and we haven't Seen Him Since.

When Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II opened Buckingham Palace to the Public for the first time, my Mate Dave and his Missus went down for a visit. While on a Guided Tour they stopped to Admire a couple of Painting and other items the turned and found themselves alone, the Tour had moved off with out them. They wondered around and got Completely Lost. Then a Chap in a Naval Uniform ( yes I wondered) came through out of a nearby room and asked Are You Lost? I'm afraid so replied Dave Not to worry said the Naval Gent. Simply go to the end of this corridor turn left and the second exit along will bring you back to the Tour. Thanks Very Much said my Mate. Him and his wife were about to set off when a Fanfare sounded. Who's that? asked Dave's wife That's the Queen declared the Naval Gent By Gum said Dave She plays a mean Trumpet.

I sat gazing at the Night Sky, a Million Stars sparkled like Diamonds, which had been thrown by some Giant's Hand across the Black Velvet Heavens. Gossima thin clouds raced across the face of a Full Moon, blown by a Cosmic Breeze. The Full Moon Hung in the Night Sky, like a Shield of some Celestial Warrior awaiting his Return. It was then I thought I really need to put A Roof On This Outside Loo.

Leadership is what Notts needed and looks Like Rod has it. That's No disrespect to Macca, who's taken over the role of Captain. It's just I feel in a Defensive position Rod will have a wider view of the game and can Marshal the Defence and this will not only help Macca leaving him Free to concentrate on scoring Goals, but his Experience will also Benefit the Younger members of the Squad.

Amazing Just Amazing. Chris & Alex along with everyone associated with this Deserve all the Plaudits that are coming their way. The Ground Staff can Feel Incredibly Proud of Their Achievement and Hopefully this will be Acknowledged by Notts being Given Important Top Level Matches in the Future.

Former Notts County and now Swansea Manager Luke Williams had a Dizzy Spell in Swansea City Centre and Fell Over. Luckily two Swans Fans picked him up and took him into a nearby Nat West where he recovered. While drinking a Cup of Sweet Tea, Mr Williams Asked Where am I? You're in the National Luke Good Grief . What Happened to Leagues 1 & 2 ?

This Chap was sitting at the Bar When his Mate walks in with his New Dog. A Beautiful Coal Black Labrador. My Word George says the Bloke at the Bar. That is a Magnificent Animal. Thankyou Albert says the Dogs Owner. I'll let you in to a Secret. That there Dog is also a Blacksmith. A Blacksmith Don't Rubbish. No it's True. If I kick in the Nuts ,it'll make a Bolt For That Door.

Napoleon and his Army marched back through the High Winds and Driving Snow, after the disaster of their Russian Campaign, for three days they had marched when Finally the Emperor Calls HALT The order is sent down the line of Battle wary Soldiers.. Suddenly about a Half Mile back a loan Trooper breaks ranks and goes hurrying along the Ranks of Tired Soldiers. 20 minutes later, running in full kit with his rifle, Sweat pouring down his face and Gasping for Breath, the Trooper looks at his Emperor Yeah What Do You Want? Napoleon looks at him and says I Called HALT. HALT says the Soldier I thought You Called WALT.

How Does Dracula get about ? He travels in a Blood Vessel. It wasn't until I'd Shot the 5th Zombie, that I realized they all were carrying Bags of Sweets. At Halloween, why do Fat Kids always dress up as Skeletons? Why was the Skeleton Sad at the Disco? Because he had No Body To Dance With.

When you've been married a long time a lot of things change from the Honeymoon Period of when you're first Married. I mean I know I shouldn't but I do little things, to annoy the wife, things like waking up in a Morning, Now that Really Annoys Her. Then things change like your body , you'll never guess what my wife as got Between her Boobs to try and turn me on. Her Belly Button. My Wife as the smallest bladder in the World. Stop the car I need to Pee. We're Not Even Out of the Drive way. Your Love Life changes as well we used have a Good Love Life, now we just lie in Bed and Fart at Each Other. I said to her What Do You Want for your Birthday? A Widow's pension. Mind You my Mate was telling me he knew when his wife had fallen out of Love with him. A few months ago, he had a Heart Attack and his Wife wrote for an Ambulance. My other Mate was telling me his wife thought their Love Life was Boring, the other night they were making Love and she put the Ash Tray in the middle of his Back. So I said to My Wife. What Are You Going To When I'm Dead? She replied Hopefully I'll Be Acquitted.

@Robbie Here's that Joke I said I'd tell you in another Thread. There was a Farmer who had Three Daughters none of which were married. Now the Farmer wanted his Daughters Married so he placed a advert in his local paper offering a £1,000 to any man who would marry one of his three Daughters. A Good Looking Local Boy comes to the Farmer and asks if he could take his Eldest Daughter Out. They go out have a nice night. The Farmer asks, Will You Marry My Eldest Daughter? NO replied the Lad. Because she's slightly Crossed eyed, Not a lot but just enough to put a Man Off. The following night the Lad returns and takes the Farmers Middle Daughter out, they to have a nice evening. The Farmer asks Will You Marry My Middle Daughter? NO states the Lad. Because she's Slightly Bow Legged. Not a lot but just enough to put a Man Off. On the third night the Lad takes the Farmers Youngest Daughter Out. They have an Amazing Evening. They get along really well have lots of things in common, to the lad it seems that Fate has had a Hand in their meeting. The Farmer asks Will you Marry My Youngest Daughter? OH YES replies the Lad. The Farmer gives the Lad an envelope with £5,000 in it. I thought you were offering a £1,000 pound to me for Marrying your Daughter? Ah says the Farmer You see Lad , She's Pregnant, Not A lot but just enough to put a Man Off.

My Mate is doing his Family History and he goes round asking his relatives for stories, about people in his Family. Any way he was telling me that During the War his Grandad refused go down the Air Raid Shelter when there was an Attack going on. He used to say If the Bomb's got your name on it'll Get Yer. Which was fine for Grandad who's surname was Turner But their Next Door Neighbours Mr & Mrs Doodlebug.

While going round an Antique Market a Woman finds an ornate mirror, which she falls in Love with, it costs a £100, she buys it and takes it home. She shows her Husband and tells him she's going to hang the Mirror in Their Bedroom. She hangs the Mirror and while looking in the Mirror at her refection she say's I Wish I Had Bigger Boobs Then suddenly her Boobs begin to swell and get bigger. She rushes down stairs and shows her Husband. How did that happen? asks her Husband. I think that Mirror I bought must be magic replies his wife. I was stood in front of the Mirror and said I Wish I Had Bigger Boobs, and this happened. Her Husbands runs up stairs looks into the Mirror and says I Wish My Willy touched the floor. Then his Legs Fell Off.

I was thrown out of Weight Watches for making Sarcastic Comments during the Weekly Weigh In. I of course took it with Huge Grace. Because they threw her out as well.

There was an Expedition Group exploring an uncharted piece of heavily Jungled terrain. When they were captured by a local Tribe and were taken to their King, who declared that the Group would be sacrificed to their Gods. The Groups leader stepped forward and said, Your Majesty is their a way where we can keep our lives? The King thinks then say's There are four challengers which one of must under take. If he passes the Challengers you are free to go. Little Paddy steps forward and says I'll take on your challengers Mighty King. Very Well says the King. Firstly you must drink a full bottle of our 100% Spirit which we brew in one Go. Then you must walk bare foot across a bed of white hot coals. Thirdly in a cave in the Mountain, there is a Female Mountain Lion with a painful loose tooth hanging from her jaw you must remove the tooth with your bare hands and finally, you must go down into the village and make Love to the Ugliest Woman in our tribe. No problem says Paddy. And off he sets to complete the Challengers. First the bottle of100% spirit straight down it goes. Taking off his Boots and socks Paddy walks across the white hot coals. Then he sets off up the Mountain path into the cave of the Female Mountain Lion. Every one followed at a safe Distance. From within the cave comes the sounds of Growling and Roaring and screams of Pain and Agony. The group are convinced poor Paddy is Dead. But quarter of an hour later Paddy staggers out of the cave Badly Mauled Clawed covered in blood his clothes Ripped to Shreds. Right he says Where's the Woman with Toothache?

There were these two Old Girls who were always on the look out for a Bargain. One day they were walking round a Market and one of them finds a Toilet Brush on the label it says For All Your Toilet Needs. Only 50p So she buys it. It's the last one. Anyway the Two Old Girls meet up again a Fortnight later. Here Edith how are you getting on with that Toilet Brush? Well I'm still using it Ada, but my Husband's gone back to using Toilet Paper.

My Mate Phil is one of those guys who enjoys collecting facts about all manner of things Historical, Nature Human Nature and at times he can be quite boring other times very interesting. For example, he asked how do you know Your Girlfriend is putting on weight? She Fits Into Your Wife's Clothes.

It was my Niece's birthday the other week. So I asked my sister what was she into? Oh Frozen Stuff. So I bought some Over Chips and Peas,

You know I've always been a Big Dog Fan. In fact all my Family have dogs. Mind you I remember one time, I was bitten by a German Shepard. He later apologized. He said He'd drank to much schnapps at Dinner Time.

I'm always trying to eat healthy , keep fit, the other week a Mate asked Hey have you Lost Weight? Well I am trying to get into Shape. And what's this Month's Shape, a Pear? asked my other Mate. I'll have you know I've got Water Retention I replied. More Like Chips and Beer Retention said my Mate. Yeah you're Probably Right.

@Fan of Big Tone Duncan Ballantine. Was the Fella.