Wheelbarrow repair man

There was this Nun and a Monk going round the local Pubs collecting for charity. Anyway in one Pub there was a Darts match being played and the Monk became really interested in watching the games and at the end of the match he asked one of the players if he could have a go. Sure says the player handing his Darts to the Monk. First Dart treble twenty, Second Dart single twenty, the third Dart hits the wire on the Dart board it bounces over the Monks head and hits the Nun in the throat and kills her. The Scorer shouts out One Nun Dead and Eighty. Two Nuns in a camper van travelling across Transylvania when suddenly Dracula jumps onto the front bumper and try's to open the door, Quick Sister shouts the Nun driving Show him your Cross. Hey you lousy blood sucking Git get off our Camper Van. Two Nuns in a bath one says where's the soap? The other replies Yes it does, doesn't it. Chap just about to go into his local when suddenly out of no where appears a Nun, she points at the Man and says Before you go into this dell of Evil, think of what the Alcohol will do to your brain. Hold on says the Bloke have you ever had a drink? Certainly Not answers the Nun. Then how do you know what the Alcohol will do to the brain, if you've never had a drink. I'll tell you what I'll buy you a drink and if you don't like it, then you can go preaching on about it. Alright agreed the Nun. Right I'll buy you a glass of gin says the Chap. No don't bring it out in a glass, bring it out in a teacup then nobody will know I'm drinking alcohol. So the bloke goes to the bar and orders a pint for himself and a shot of gin, but could he have the gin in a teacup. The bar man looks at him and says Is that bloody Nun out side there again?

POLICE REPORT The man who steals T shirts in size order is still at Large. Me and a couple of Mates were sat having a quite drink when this chap walks in with a Cocker Spaniel on a lead. I'm sorry sir said the Bar Man No Dogs Allowed. But it's my Guide Dog replies the chap. I don't think so sir, Guide Dogs are usually Labradors or Golden Retrievers. Aw what the hell have the given me then? Right then What's a Shih Tzu? A Zoo without any Animals The wife's Grandad is a105 and we all call him Spider Man, not that he goes around web slinging or fighting Crime, it's just he can't get out of the Bath.

I remember when I was first old enough to drink, i was in a Pub with my mate Big Rog, when suddenly this bloke bursts in carrying a Sawn off Shot Gun. I'm going to shoot the bloke who's had sex with my wife. A voice from the back said I don't think you've got enough bullets Steve. A chap go's home and says to his wife I was talking to the Postman today and he reckons he's made Love to every woman one this Street bar one. I bet it's that miserable cow next door but one replies his wife. I once asked an Old Girlfriend if she smoked after sex. She answered I dunno I've never looked. I'm a bit worried about my mate Trev. He's 56 and I think he's having a mid life crisis he's dyed his hair he's down the gym three or four times a week and he goes jogging. I think he's trying to recapture his youth. Anyway the other Thursday he was in the Butcher's collecting his weekly portion of Red Meat and he says to the girl behind the counter, how old do you think I am . Mid forties said the girl. I'm 56 I look after myself. Trev's standing at the bus stop when a little old lady approaches him. I don't know who you are but I must tell somebody I'm 75 today and when I get back to the sheltered housing where I live they're having a party for me. Very nice says Trev, Happy Birthday. I bet you can't tell how old I am. Well says the old girl if you let me put my hand down your jogging bottoms I tell you to the exact year. Trev agrees and she's fiddling down there for a good five minutes, takes her hand out and says Your 56. That's amazing said Trev how did you know? Oh I was stood behind you in the butchers.

If anyone on here hasn't watched Sam Slocombe's interview on You tube, before today's game I suggest you go and watch it and all the Nay sayers should also go and watch it. This Guy as a eloquent and professional attitude regarding the club his fellow players and knows what is expected of himself and his team mates regarding the Fans expectations. He is also very humble stating his Man of the Match performance at Crawley was what he's paid for. Bravo Sam Bravo. Once again another individual error cost Notts again today how many times as that happened this season? And the Magpies had two goalkeepers on the Bench, which shows how thin the Notts Squad is. So if it's Not the time to Blood the youngsters Now I don't know when it will be. Notts have nothing to lose just throw caution to the wind and Go For It. Jatta as shown what he is capable of with a Goal and an assist more of that please. The Magpies need to get Macca back into his scoring groove. It appears Jodi wasn't very happy being substituted as he disappeared straight down the tunnel I know players want to play the full 90+ minutes, but this sort of attitude only fires up some Fans even more against the Head Coach. At this present moment in time all the Players and the Staff need to show a United Front, and Personal Feeling Need To Be Put To One Side.

Then there was the chap who invented Cats eyes, for the middle of the road. He said he got the idea when his Car headlight reflected in the eyes of a Cat as it walked towards him. If the Cat had been walking away from him, he'd have invented the Pencil Sharpener. I bought this new roll on deodorant I looked at the instructions. It said remove top and push up bottom. I only wanted it for under my arms. My mate Dave is a massive fan of Steam Trains and when the Orient Express came to Nottingham but he said it was Murder getting tickets. Anyway once he'd finished taking photo's of the Engine and carriages, he was about to leave the station when he heard piano music. So he went to investigate and there on a platform a chap was playing a piano. Once the guy had finished Dave said he had a tinkle on it and saved himself 20 pence. This chap went to an Acupuncturist looking for a cure. What's your problem ? He was asked. He replied Pins and Needles in my shoulder.

My Mate and his wife were waiting to fly off on their holidays when they were approached by a Stewardess. Are you flying out to Benidorm today? Yes we are replied my Mate. Well I'm afraid there's a four hour delay. Oh why? The Pilot heard a noise in one of the engines and It will take us four hours to find a Pilot who can't hear it. My uncle Danny had five sons, a single birth and two sets of twins, and they all grew up to be Police Marks men. That's because uncle Danny was a bank robber. Uncle Danny died recently, surrounded by his family. I lost my hair when I was sixteen. What a game cards that was. My mate Dave went to the barbers and asked for some highlights the barber gave him a video of Old Haircuts.

What is the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison? You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo. I went into a Bakery and asked. Is that a Cake or a Meringue? The Assistant said No your not wrong it is a Cake. I had a dream the other night, I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with Death

A Big Shout Out to 18n year old Oliver Bearman who made his F1 Debut for Ferrari, the youngest ever Brit to drive in Formula One he finished 7th two places in front of 7 times World Champion Lewis Hamilton . British World Champion of the Future?

How about the wife and husband team of retired acrobats they've invented two new condiments Winter Pepper and Summer Salt. I see Marie Osmond is about to star in the worse film ever. Warner Brothers? They already know. My wife as an uncle with one leg called Eric, I don't know what he called his other leg. Did you read about the fella who confessed to murder on his Death Bed then got better? Then there was that bloke who bought some After Eight Mints, but died at half past seven.

When you were a kid did you ever have a Saturday job? I did I worked for a local photographer I didn't take any pictures just kept the studio clean and tidy ran errands and helped in the Dark room. Then made sure all customers were comfortable before they had their photo taken. Anyway one Saturday morning two Old Dears came in, I got them settled and the photographer started to go through his routine. What's he doing Mavis? asked one Old girl. He's getting his equipment ready answered her friend. What's he doing now Mavis? He's checking the light's right with his light meter. The photographer stood behind his camera and began to twiddle with the lens. What's he doing now Mavis? He's going to Focus, What both of us?

Did you hear about the Gynecologist who painted his front hall way through his letter box? What three words don't you want to hear when you make Love? Darling I'm home. A mate of mine who's not the sharpest knife in the drawer was asked to name two days of the week that began with the letter T. He replied Today and Tomorrow. My mate Dave loves doing crosswords, I was watching him one time and said that's wrong, 6 across four letters often found in the bottom of Bird Cages. The correct answer is Grit.

The were ten new members of the Para troop regiment going on their first ever jump. The jump instructor a Sargent is giving them their final instructions. Right men pay attention . This when this red light turns to green, it means we're over the Drop Zone I'll each of you on the shoulder that's when you jump out of the Aircraft, you then count to 3 and pull the Rip Cord should your chute Not Open wait another 3 seconds and pull the Rip Cord of your emergency chute. What happens if that chute doesn't open Sarge ? asks a voice. That's easy Son you just shout Geronimo. All of the jumpers depart the plane and the Sargent sits down for a smoke. Suddenly there's a knocking from outside the Aircrafts door . The Sargent opens the door and there's a bloke frantically flapping his arms, he looks at the Sargent and says What's the name of that Red Indian again Sarge?

You know as you look back to the times when you were younger, you notice how things have changed how you have changed. I was looking through an old photo Album the other day, and I noticed how slim and fit I looked. In fact when I was younger I used to do an exercise routine naked. Well that was until the wife said Come away from those French windows if anyone sees you they'll think I only married you for your money.

A bloke walked into a Police station and said I think my wife maybe dead. Maybe dead Sir, how do you mean maybe dead? asks the copper. The bloke replies well the sex is the same but the washing is piling up. Christmas Day 2063 the family are all sat round after a big lunch, when one of the Grand kids says Hey Grandad sing us a song from the Old Days. So Grandad stands up and says well here's a song that is very dear to me and your Nan. It's called Slap your ***** up. A bloke's walking down the street when a crowd of people come rushing past him. He grabs one chap by the arm and asks What's happening? A tiger's escaped from the Zoo. Which way is it going? Well you don't think we're running towards it do you? I was at the bar in my local the other night, when this rather good looking young lady comes and stands next to me, and she was wearing the tightest pair of black leather pants I've ever seen in my life. I said to her how on earth do you get into those pants? Well she replied you start off by buying me a drink.

Me and a couple of mates were on our Locals Jolly Boys Outing in Scarborough, My mate Dave says I fancy an ice cream so we went along the sea front to an ice cream kiosk . Three 99's please Dave ordered. Hundreds and thousands? asked the ice cream seller. No just three 99's Thankyou. As we walked along the prom my other mate Phil asked Did you hear about the Ice Cream man found dead in his van? He was covered in syrup hundreds and thousands crushed nuts and broken chocolate flakes. Police reckoned he'd topped himself.

First of all I would like to Apologise to all the Fans on this site. It appears that the current problems at the Lane are my Fault in that I have failed in my job. Therefore I intend to put things Right. One Wheelbarrow, one Spindle one Wheel two Nuts two Washers a Hammer and a Spanner. Take said wheelbarrow with Hammer tap spindle through hole in Wheelbarrow's left front fork. Place Wheel on Spindle , tap Spindle through hole in right Wheelbarrow fork. Place Washer on each end of Spindle, then place Nuts on each end of Spindle. Tighten Nuts with Spanner. Wheelbarrow no longer broken, I've done my job so Notts should win on Saturday!! Ah if only it was that Simple. A Little Bit of Light heartedness during this tough time for the Magpies.

I remember the time I took the wife to Blackpool I hired one of those horse and carriages. We set off along the seas front a blanket across our knees, the wife had her head on my shoulder and we were enjoying going through the lights along the Golden Mile, when suddenly the horse Farts oh a real rip snorter it was really embarrassing. I said I 'm sorry about that, with out missing a beat the wife says Oh I thought it was the Horse.

As a Notts fan I've not felt this deflated in a long time. The biggest question people will be asking how much longer will Stuart Maynard remain in charge? Because to be honest I can't see Notts getting another point. If Notts lose at Accrington the pressure could be to great for the Brothers to stick with their choice of coach and we could see Jim O'Brien back in the dug out. There also seems to be strong rumours flying around that certain players have no desire to play for SM, if there is a divided changing room that needs to be sorted quickly. After the Sutton defeat and tonight's result even the most ardent Maynard fan will be starting to ask questions regarding his tenure at the Lane.

Me and couple of mates were walking through our local park the other day, and there was this old guy sitting on a bench sobbing his heart out. What's up fella ? asked my mate It's terrible just terrible replies the old guy. What is ? asked my other mate. I'm 75 years old and I've married a 25 year old ex-pole dancer, she's a wonderful cook keeps the house spotless and makes love to me 3 times a day. Once when we wake up, once in the afternoon and once again before we go to sleep. Blimey I said what's terrible about that? I asked. I can't remember where I live said the old guy.

I think thommo you are right regarding Connell Rawlinson, I like yourself hold no ill will against the guy, there have been times when he as produced a top performance in the Black & White stripes, but I think he's starting to slow down, he is after all not getting any younger from a playing point of view. To be honest I thought he may have retired after the Wembley Victory, and end his career on a high. But we don't know how he feels he may still think he can do a job for Notts and only he will know when it's time for him to hang up his boots.

Fair Points Joshua but can't help but think one of the main reasons Notts haven't produced home grown talent, is the fact young players are continually sent out on loan to other clubs season after season and occasionally they get the odd outing in the first team usually in a match of no particular importance. Another point is if the team are playing well the Notts youngsters don't get much of a chance of appearing in the team, the only thing that usually happens is they get to train with the first team squad. I don't think there's a right time or a wrong time for a young Notts player to make his debut that's down to the Gaffer and his staff , I was thinking Notts season is over now I don't think they'll make the playoffs and they're more or less clear of relegation. So really what better time to blood the young un's? Praise and negative remarks go hand in hand through out a footballers career. How many times over the years has a young lad shown promise only to be farmed out on loan over and over only to lose interest in the game or disappear into the obscurity of Non League football? Lewis Macari comes to mind he realised he was getting no where at Stoke, so he threw in his lot with Notts and he's shown what he's capable of and is turning out to be a decent player who could end up being a solid defender for Notts for a few seasons. So I still think it wouldn't do any harm for a young player to be given a chance.

As a treat I took the wife to one of those TV Chef's restaurants the prices were crazy, for a three course meal you'd need a bank loan. So in the end we had the cheapest thing on the menu boneless chicken price, £45.99 per portion, the waiter brought two Fried Eggs. You know when you're at the Airport don't customs ask some daft questions? As anybody you don't know put anything in your bags? I don't know anybody I don't know. As a stranger ever given you anything? I once went to Amsterdam on a Stag Weekend. I over heard the wife talking to a neighbour the other day, she said I didn't surprise her like I used too when we were younger. So I took her out for Tea and Biscuits it was the first time she'd been a blood donor. I remember when I proposed to the wife she said yes, but then stated that ever since she was a little girl she always wanted to get married in a Castle. I said Sweetheart if you want to get married in a Castle, we'll get married in a Castle. And we did and I can still remember the look on her face as we bounced up and down.

After the Wembley victory over Chesterfield and the title Battle with Wrexham the Magpies picked up a few Fair Weather Fans and I would suggest most of the Negative response comes from them, for it would seem long term Magpie fans are willing to give the new Gaffer time and hope he can turn things around. The thing is after the 2023/2024 season Magpie Fans are used to Notts winning games and currently they aren't getting the victories Fans want, ( sorry for stating the obvious). We long term Fans have seen this all before the booing the call for the Manager/Head Coach to be sacked, and the Negative response to certain players. We can't stop the booing the cat calling the toxic posts on social media platforms, but I think a vast majority of the Notts Fan Base is positive the only thing is the nay sayer's seem to be the more vocal. And perhaps they believed all the Hype which the Media heaped on Notts at the start of the season, how Notts and Wrexham were favourites to get promotion. Myself and a large majority of Magpie fans would class a top half finish and maybe a run at the Playoffs would be the sign of a Good season.

Robbie You Just Smashed It. You are so right about Jason Turner the influence the positivity and his footballing knowledge had an immense impact at the Lane, His Tragic Death last season hit the club staff players and fans like a bomb going off. His photo was carried by the players at Wembley and I'm sure the memories of Jason's time as C.E.O at Notts helped inspire the Lads to their victory over Chesterfield. And as you have stated Jason's death may have also been a factor in Notts misfortunes, because his personality and footballing know how, would have certainly helped Stuart Maynard's transition into the Magpies New Head Coach. You may want to put your comment on Social Media, it may give certain Notts Fans pause for thought.

What would you do then Joshua? Wrap all the kids up in Cotton Wool? It's one hell of a life being a professional footballer with Disappointment and Heart ache for most and only a few talented players reaping the Big Rewards. Look at Macca where was he a few seasons back? Playing in the seventh tier of the Football pyramid, Gateshead gave him his chance and he took it with both hands, now the Magpies have given him another chance and he's taken it and the way things are looking another club higher up the Leagues seem set on offering him a bigger chance come the summer. Football is tough and young players are going to suffer knocks it's all part and parcel of the game, if a defeat is going to dent their moral then maybe they aren't good enough to become a Professional player? I remember back in the 70's Gordon Banks gave an interview and told any aspiring young Goalkeeper don't join the Best local team, but the Worst that way you gain more experience and build yourself into a better tougher character. In fact just appearing in the Notts first team will boost any young players moral, if the Magpies Win or Lose.