Tarkers has a cunning plan

[Tarkers]

I make no apologies for re-marketing an old invention of mine, here on PON.

Some may say that I am trying to make money from poor, misguided Notts fans.....my reply is that we have all thrown so much cash at Notts over the last few decades that surely an extra few quid is meaningless....plus I get rich...yum yum.....here goes........

I have noticed, in our current run of bad form, that I am becoming more agitated and upset on Saturdays.

At my age, my Mexican Doctor friend has told me to "calm down" and watch the old ticker, and just lately I find my Friday night rompy-pompy session with her lacking its usual verve and vigour.
Why?...because I am worried about Saturday, and even those little blue pills leave me half-hearted!

Something has to be done...so I have a cunning plan.

Only watch the half of the pitch that Notts are attacking...........................................Tarkers you are a genius I hear you cry.

Yesterday I practised for 90 minutes on an old Youtube footy video with one hand over one eye...very tiring, plus the crowd noises were off-putting whenever a goal was scored in the half I couldn't see.

I sorted the sound issues by plugging my ears with cotton wool and humming the theme of Dambusters!

I have now come up with a prototype model of what I think everyone will agree, is the perfect Matchday solution.

Obviously this is just the basic model, and that is reflected in the bargain price of £2.99 (plus shipping via Bandito Air)
The added bonus, is that when you remove the prototype from its box, you can copy the location of eyeholes etc onto the remaining box and give it to the Mrs as a Valentines/Xmas/Birthday present...she will be delighted!

OK, here are the instructions.
1).....Take box to ML.
2)......Sit near the halfway line (obviously this will not work in the Kop unless you lie down horizontally)!!
3)......Once teams have decided which half to attack, pop out the perforated eye-hole in the side corresponding to the opposition goalie. It is extremely important to get this bit right as watching the wrong goalie in action may increase the risk of a heart attack!!
4).....Insert cotton wool from accessory bag into ears.
5)......Start humming Dambusters.
6).....At halftime, patch up original eyehole with sticky tape from accessory bag and pop out the other eye-hole (alternatively you can keep original eye-hole and just stand on your head............ or pretend you are an opposition supporter and walk around to the JS stand). Note do NOT attempt to stand on head if you purchase the Super Deluxe version,,,,see below!!

Depending on the success of the prototype, I have plans for a deluxe model involving the last of the Google Glasses and repeats of the Notts v Brighton Play-off final.
Imagine the surprise around you, as we are getting thumped by Bodgers XI and you are shouting..."Go on Tommy...yesssssss, you beauty"

The Super-Deluxe model involves 4 cans of Double Diamond, strapped inside the "helmet" and an intricate array of tubing!
Currently having problems with this model as the balancing causes sideways slippage and all the sucking caused me to blackout yesterday!

[Piethagoram 𝕏 @piethagoram]

Double Diamond Tarqs...In recent years, discovered Skol had not gone away and was alive and well in Brazil.  @tarquinbeech you are indeed a Skolar

[Tarkers]

Wow, what an incredibly quick response!!

6 replies already by personal messages....I love PON......I am going to be rich, rich, rich.

I think it best to answer all 6 queries here in a type of Q and A style, so everyone can read them?

Q1 - Brilliant invention Tarkers. I think I will try your suggestion of standing on my head at half-time but I am worried about drowning in beer?
Answer - Firstly the eye-holes will be at the bottom if you are on your head, beer will flood out before you drown....... you will be fine.
Alternatively make sure you drink all 4 cans before half-time and then you won't care about the rest of the game or the derisive comments around you and howls of laughter as you keep falling over as you black-out!!
Warning............ do not try spiking your beers with Tequila, i tried it yesterday......it really stings the eyes!

Q2 - Tarkers, you are a tax-avoiding scumbag of an exile who doesn't even attend matches.......... You suck!
Answer - Firstly, that is not a question.............it is a statement. Didn't you attend school?
Secondly................. I have sent you a free prototype.......................... but have removed the smiley face.
Now go away................ Troll.

Q3 - Tarkers, I am worried that the stewards will not let me wear this?
Answer - Tell them you are Muslim .......................and the Human Rights Act means you are allowed to wear a Yashmak........even if it is cardboard!
If he continues to berate you.......... start fiddling with your shoelaces and mumble Allah Akbar......... he will soon back off!!

Q4 - Tarkers, will this work in bed?
My wife wants me to sleep with her AND her sister .................but the sister is ugly.
PS I don't want to disappoint my wife.
Answer ................................. Please send me a picture of the ugly sister at TarkersTitbits.com........... preferably in a suggestive pose!!
If I think it will work, I can attach chinstraps to your prototype!!...............Enjoy yourself and don't forget my photos!!

Q5 - Tarkers, I have been bald since birth. Can I have my prototype with hair?
Answer - Yes.
I successfully cornered one of my goats earlier and shaved her thighs.
The hair is somewhat coarse and curly but looks fine on your model.
The only goat I could catch was ginger, hope that is ok.
Would you like a moustache?

Q6 - I am a Forest fan who wants the deluxe model with a tape of our last win in Europe? Can you arrange this?

Answer - I will look into this, but unfortunately the film may be in black and white?....... and I am unsure if the Google glasses can replicate Betamax tapes.

What about something more relevant........ like the match against Bristol City?

[Piethagoram 𝕏 @piethagoram]

Question 7 ... Can I get into the Notts team for next Saturday by telling Jamie I am a "Box" to "Box" player? One can certainly look the part

 

Answer ........you can certainly head the ball better than the 50 pence coin head of Hollis

 

Off to reminisce about getting beers from the Fine Fare Clifton and Midland Counties ice cream

[ivansneck]

3 hours ago, tarquinbeech said:

I make no apologies for re-marketing an old invention of mine, here on PON.

Some may say that I am trying to make money from poor, misguided Notts fans.....my reply is that we have all thrown so much cash at Notts over the last few decades that surely an extra few quid is meaningless....plus I get rich...yum yum.....here goes........

I have noticed, in our current run of bad form, that I am becoming more agitated and upset on Saturdays.

At my age, my Mexican Doctor friend has told me to "calm down" and watch the old ticker, and just lately I find my Friday night rompy-pompy session with her lacking its usual verve and vigour.
Why?...because I am worried about Saturday, and even those little blue pills leave me half-hearted!

Something has to be done...so I have a cunning plan.

Only watch the half of the pitch that Notts are attacking...........................................Tarkers you are a genius I hear you cry.

Yesterday I practised for 90 minutes on an old Youtube footy video with one hand over one eye...very tiring, plus the crowd noises were off-putting whenever a goal was scored in the half I couldn't see.

I sorted the sound issues by plugging my ears with cotton wool and humming the theme of Dambusters!

I have now come up with a prototype model of what I think everyone will agree, is the perfect Matchday solution.

Obviously this is just the basic model, and that is reflected in the bargain price of £2.99 (plus shipping via Bandito Air)
The added bonus, is that when you remove the prototype from its box, you can copy the location of eyeholes etc onto the remaining box and give it to the Mrs as a Valentines/Xmas/Birthday present...she will be delighted!

OK, here are the instructions.
1).....Take box to ML.
2)......Sit near the halfway line (obviously this will not work in the Kop unless you lie down horizontally)!!
3)......Once teams have decided which half to attack, pop out the perforated eye-hole in the side corresponding to the opposition goalie. It is extremely important to get this bit right as watching the wrong goalie in action may increase the risk of a heart attack!!
4).....Insert cotton wool from accessory bag into ears.
5)......Start humming Dambusters.
6).....At halftime, patch up original eyehole with sticky tape from accessory bag and pop out the other eye-hole (alternatively you can keep original eye-hole and just stand on your head............ or pretend you are an opposition supporter and walk around to the JS stand). Note do NOT attempt to stand on head if you purchase the Super Deluxe version,,,,see below!!

Depending on the success of the prototype, I have plans for a deluxe model involving the last of the Google Glasses and repeats of the Notts v Brighton Play-off final.
Imagine the surprise around you, as we are getting thumped by Bodgers XI and you are shouting..."Go on Tommy...yesssssss, you beauty"

The Super-Deluxe model involves 4 cans of Double Diamond, strapped inside the "helmet" and an intricate array of tubing!
Currently having problems with this model as the balancing causes sideways slippage and all the sucking caused me to blackout yesterday!

Only one word for this - GENIUS

[Tarkers]

I have truly exciting news......our new manager has contacted me privately.....yes, I kid you not.....the Big Yin himself has made a business proposition to little ole me!!

For a mere 30% of my fledgling company, JF has offered to do a Powerpoint presentation to the Grand Poobahs at Notts.......and get my product installed onto the shelves of the Club Shop.....he assures me that his "presentations" never fail and I will have prime position between the Bobble Heads of past Notts Greats and the re-release of that fav....the Football Rattle!!

Not only that.......but he thinks he can get me National......possibly International.....I was so excited that I spilt some of my Horlicks down my best bib and tucker!!

I am not a greedy man, but obviously I will be a multi-trillionaire before you can say Tarkers-is-a-TopGuy...........and I want to thank you all for allowing me into your hearts these past months.

Unfortunately, once I am rich and famous I will hobnobbing with the Upper Classes like Warren "all-you-can-eat-for-a-fiver" Buffet, Billy "who-let-the-goats-out" Gates and Carlos "slightly-overweight" Slim.....my time will therefore be in short supply and I am making my apologies in advance.

Thank you for your understanding..........I am off to spend some of my forthcoming riches on a Sinclair c5......with optional stabilisers included.

[Tarkers]

Picture me in this......driving around Mexico......obviously wearing the "Big Box" on my head as an advertising promo.....true Genius.

[Elite_pie]

Tarquin, do you offer a version of this fabulous invention where both eyeholes are in a permanantly 'CLOSED' position?

 

If so, I might just make a purchase after yesterday.

[Chris Website URL Visit Site 𝕏 fmcj10 Instagram fmcj10]

Does the plan include taking a portable television in with you? Also, does the nickelodeon endorse the box? It looks like SpongeBob.

[Tarkers]

44 minutes ago, Elite_pie said:

Tarquin, do you offer a version of this fabulous invention where both eyeholes are in a permanantly 'CLOSED' position?

 

If so, I might just make a purchase after yesterday.

Elite - I can have your box made up without eye-holes.......however, I am concerned over the aspect of safety, I can check with my head of H&S here and let you know.

I am also a little concerned that your personal prototype may become the norm by the end of the season......and I may become flooded with requests to recall all the other models......please attempt to wear your eyeless model incognito!!

I attach my bank account details by private e-mail, so that you can send the required £2.99 plus postage.

It is a pleasure doing business with you.

[liampie]

brill posts! i have never laughed so much on here.

[Tarkers]

5 hours ago, liampie said:

brill posts! i have never laughed so much on here.

Cheers Liam......the main reasons that I try to post with humour are:

(a) Being a Notts supporter (albeit an exile) is pretty hard work.....without the odd laugh, I think I would go insane.....or sadly, just pack it in!!

(b) Being stuck here, the hour or so that I spend on here, gives me a feeling of reality?......I am reading, communicating, getting an insight into how things are, back there in Blighty.

These are truly dark days for Notts....once again we have hired a rookie manager and things don't look good!

I hope it works out for Mr and Mrs Trew.....but the odds are against us and them.

Meanwhile....I will try to add a bit of fun into the forum.

[Turkey_Twizzler]

Billy "who-let-the-goats-out" Gates

This had me in stitches!

[Piethagoram 𝕏 @piethagoram]

@tarquinbeech .......Warren -all-you-can-eat-for-a-fiver Buffet  Looking forward to the hacienda opening as Tarqo Bell. 

[AmericanPie]

These are dark days indeed but at least we can share some comfort here, @tarquinbeech keep it up from one exile to another.