From a business English desk calendar (don't blame me for this):

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

 

 

A carrot!

@DangerousSausage an orange squawk box    seems a sensible answer for a Business English calendar

 

I've deleted all the German contacts from my mobile. I now have a Hans free phone

theres not many as bad as this!

What have Forest and a three pin plug got in common?
They'd both be useless in Europe

A Forest fan would instantly make a connection to the two pins, hey @jsrjay? 

BREAKING NEWS: There have been reports of the living dead attacking people in the Caribbean. People say it's the zombie apocalypso.

Albert Einstein developed a theory about space...

 

It's about time too.

Due to the current economic crisis, authorities in Greece have suspended all production of Houmous and Taramasalata.  Further proof that it's a double dip recession.

 

A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The bartender responds "dry"?  The German replies " nein...just one"

Since the heavy rain started this morning all my wife has done is stare through the window.

 

If it gets any worse I'm going to have to let her back in.

Apparently it's World Nutella day. What a terrible thing to invent a specific day to nut people called Ella.

 

from Tim Vine 

On ‎03‎/‎02‎/‎2016 at 17:04, Piethagoram said:

What have Forest and a three pin plug got in common?
They'd both be useless in Europe

At least we have been in Europe.

I do have a good joke though that will make some fans cry with laughter or just cry..................County 17th Mansfield 4th

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar........................the barman says..............."is this a joke?"

2 hours ago, jsrjay said:

At least we have been in Europe.

I do have a good joke though that will make some fans cry with laughter or just cry..................County 17th Mansfield 4th

@jsrjay Well do you still have your Sony Betamax player to wallow in nostalgia?

At least we have won the Anglo Italian Cup and achieved a draw at Juventus in more recent times. 

So please go back and hide under your stone.... Your team even isn't in Nottingham.

The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.

His funfair is next monkey.

Now I'm getting on a bit I got a letter offering me one of those free 'well man' check-ups at my local health centre.  I went along and was given a thorough examination by a very attractive lady doctor.  I went back a week later for the results, and the doctor looked up from her papers and said "You to have to stop masturbating".  I asked her why, and she replied "because it's making it very difficult for me to concentrate on reading your results".

18 hours ago, jsrjay said:

I do have a good joke though that will make some fans cry with laughter or just cry..................County 17th Mansfield 4th

Another one specially for our red friend...

 

A Forest fan was on his way to sign on at the job centre, looking for dog ends in the gutter as usual when he spotted an odd shaped lamp.  He picked it up, gave it a polish and WHHOOOOSH - out popped a genie.  The genie said "look mate, you're the fifth person to find the lamp today and I've been really busy.  Instead of the usual three wishes you only get one.  What do you want?".  The Forest fan thought for a moment then said "I've always wanted to take the wife and seven kids to Disneyland in Florida but on benefits we can't afford the flights.  Could you build a road from my house to Florida?"  The genie looked at him.  "Whaaat??? Do you realise what a massive request that is?  Not just avoiding the shipping lanes, but sinking foundations into the deepest parts of the Atlantic?  It would be by far the biggest engineering product in the history of mankind".  The Forest fan looked a bit sheepish, so said "ok, I support Nottingham Forest, could you make it so we get back in the Premiership?"

The genie looked at him again, then said "this road - do you want single lane or dual carriageway?

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch

I'm early let's think of a joke

County's recruitment

On 11 February 2016 at 01:15, jsrjay said:

At least we have been in Europe.

Not in my life time

On 11 February 2016 at 01:15, jsrjay said: At least we have been in Europe.

Not in my life time

Nor mine

On ‎03‎/‎02‎/‎2016 at 16:58, liampie said:

theres not many as bad as this!

Is this one for the Carlisle fans? 

Ive got a good one, Mansfield isn't actually full of people with 7 fingers on each hand [emoji6]

On ‎12‎/‎02‎/‎2016 at 21:43, ohstanleyaborah said:

I've got a good one, Mansfield isn't actually full of people with 7 fingers on each hand

 @ohstanleyaborah are you sure. 

A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal there, a dog.

It's a shitzu.